It’s Time For a Resolution
I’m done pretending the reason for all my broken pieces was rendered by anyone but myself. I never thought I had difficulty blaming myself. I’ve known where the blame lies for a while now; which left me to fall under the unconscious punishments for my mistakes. And, for a while now, I have been seeking some concrete solution, or at least some slight form of motivation that doesn’t leave me feeling as if my only hope may be the most unrealistic thought one can imagine. The need for a change has been prominent but my priority for it has always fallen short. I’ve made lies of more than enough excuses to reason that my way of living is more than fine and irrelevant to anyone who isn’t myself, seeing that it is my life. I brainwashed myself to fulfill my desires in something that can never give me satisfaction; something that gives me false hope in knowing what isn’t known, ergo an increasing gain of secrets that will never be told.
I didn’t want to become this, but I am the creator. I want to change, but I haven’t because I can’t believe I did this to myself. Its taken me a while to fathom the vindication that has led me to where I am today. There are too many reasons underneath the surface that I’ve yet to comprehend, thus I assumed with time I would find a justification great enough to authorize my actions as excusable. It is quite irrelevant now though, because I’ve realized no congregation of outside sources could be accredited for what I’ve done to my life. And now I’ll act to overpower the apathy and learned helplessness that rein inside of me. I will live my life on my terms.
You know though, it’s not so much about changing myself, but rather finding the motivation to initiate a liberation from the blinding mask I’ve learned to live behind. Neither a transformation nor journey to freedom will be easy. Especially in comparison to the facade I have now, which for some time became the only comfort I could find. I’ll move to the next stage because the show must go on, but I’m done acting because there isn’t enough sugar in the world to coat the veneer I’ve been struggling to maintain. It is not life that is hard to live, it’s living by the means of true to yourself that can misguide you. The feeling of love, the energy to learn and the adrenaline of happiness is too often taken for granted, but never forever absent from our lives. I want to find the things I’ve lost. I want to free the self I’ve kept so suppressed. Slowly as I may be proceeding, it is only to accommodate my fears but with this discretion I will find success.